"Love"
by: Jackie Chiang

Disclaimer: This is a Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon fanfic.  Sailormoon
 is a manga created by Takeuchi Naoko; Sailormoon is also an anime
 based off of the manga which is owned by Toei.  Other companies
 that have rights and could sue my pants off are Kodansha and Bandai.
  Fortunately I do not have to worry about DIC since this isn't a NASM
 fic.  I take no credit for inventing the characters, but this fic is (C) by
 me, and I'm not trying to make money off of this.

---

Thought of the Day: Isn't Kimura Sanae hot in her Uranus fuku?  Or is
 it just me...  She looks really good in the guy's Juuban uniform too...
  Oh!  She and Michiru-san in the Stars live action musicals are too
 cute for words...

---

It's so cold...  Where am I...?  I'm cold.  I'm shivering.  Cold...  Ice all
around me.  I can't see it, I can only feel it, sense it, surrounding me,
 wrapping around me, choking me, invading me, violating me, my body,
 my mind, my heart, my soul.  I scream but am suddenly cut off as the
 ice makes its way into my throat, my voice dying.  And then I die.


She's watching me.  She's worried.  I can see it in her eyes.  She tries
 to hide it.  She's never been good at that.  I've only excelled at being
 blind.

It's almost funny, in an amusing sort of pointless way.  This.  Everything.
  My life.  Her.  Me.  Everything.  Almost funny.  Our lives turning out
this way.  I don't understand it but I don't think I was meant to.  She
 doesn't either.

She holds my hand tightly.  It's warm.  She is.  This source of light and
 fire, holding my icy hand in her own.

Acceptance.  That's step number five, isn't it?  Five or four or six or
 something.  I can never remember.  I don't care much for psychology.
  Never analyze when you can be living.  Though I am no longer 'living'...

My life.  Her life.  We've been together forever and longer.  I don't know
 when our souls first met- perhaps they were always together.  Possibly.
  Created together, living together, always intertwined.  Or not.  Yet I
can't imagine life without her.  Or death for that matter.  Death without
 her- lonely.  I'll be lonely again, won't I...

I don't want to be lonely...  I want to be with her.

Life threatening disease.  That's how it'll say in the newspapers.  Famous
 F1 driver dies from some stupid measly microscopic organism that's rapidly
 multiplied inside her body.  Tiny things you can't see but exist.  No cure.
  I wonder how doctors tell people that.  No cure- no hope.  You're as good
 as dead now because soon you will be.  A couple of months more, that's all.
  You are here, but after that, you're not.

As good as dead.

The last time we made love was several weeks ago.  Before the pain
started.  Before I could scarcely walk without collapsing.  Before, when
 I could pretend I was still normal and everything was fine.  Self-delusion
 is a defense mechanism.  It's how some people survive.

Early temptations.  Her.  Sex, love.  Kissing her mindlessly, hands
wandering over her, caressing, touching, loving, hearing her sighs
and whispers and soft giggles.  Knowing this was love and the present
 was all that mattered and you never wanted to think about anything
 else but this, giving yourself, receiving her back, exchanging love,
adoration, undying devotion.

Scene changes.

Holding hands.  Kissing gently.  Playfully teasing.  Soft whispers, soft
 laughs.  Everything.  Love.  Our love...

Love gentle sweet soft quiet love calm soothing wonderfully calm God I love
 her how could I not rolling on the grass cool green grass hearing her
shrieks of laughter her giggles her smile's so bright oh God why is this
happening.

Nothing's the same.

You understand, of course, he says.

No.  I don't.

Tosses me a sad look- a pity look.  I hate the look, him, myself.  Don't
say it, don't say it, God, don't say it...  The fool.

I'm afraid that you're-

Don't say it.

You understand.

A long time...  Then: Yes.  I do.

She did too.  She never said it, but she did.

She leans towards me.  Careful.  Slow.  Cautious.  Doesn't want to
 hurt me.  Why bother.  She can't stop this- no one can, not even
 myself.  The doctor left minutes ago, shook his head, left, spoke
 to her, she stood there for minutes after he left, shocked, then
 came in, smiling, trying to but it didn't work.

I want to kiss her...

She buries her face on my shoulder against my neck, but gently.
  I try to hold her as best I can.  She's crying.  Tears dampen my
 shirt.  I brush my lips against the top of her head.  She begins to
 kiss my neck then.  I stroke her hair.

"It'll be all right..."

It won't... Not now, not ever...

"I love you," she whispers.  "I don't want to lose you...  Not without
 me...  You remember...  Don't leave me...  off in your own dream
world...?  Don't leave _me_..."

You think I want to...?

Wraps her arms around me tightly.  I don't want her to let go.  Not
 now, not ever.  To die like this... in her arms...

"Haruka...  Haruka...  I'm not leaving you...  You know that...
  I'll go with you..."  Suddenly her voice is desperate, terrified,
 and she whispers into my hair, "I'll go with you, Haruka, we'll
 be together..." like it's some trip... it is, in a way, I guess...

No...  I wonder if I say it aloud, but then it comes again, and
 I hear it this time, and her face darkens, the light in her eyes
 fades, and she's crying again and I try to tell her, she can't die,
it's not worth it, but she's arguing with me through her tears,
broken fragments and words and phrases and not making any
 sense, and I want to be with her but not this way...

And I hope to God she listens, don't die, be happy here, I love
 her, I love her so much it hurts when I look at her, into her
 eyes, beautiful eyes with so much pain now, so much, what
 can I do to make it go away, will it go away, to wipe the pain
 from her eyes with my hands to see her smile please smile
 for me for me smile for me lips made to smile she should be
 happy always she deserves to be happy always always always
 it's my fault she's so sad...

I love you I love you I love you promise me you won't die promise
me I'll wait for you you know I will always be there watching over
 you the wind next to you the breeze to comfort you to play with
 your hair your soft hair smells so sweet like rain and sea and
flowers to kiss your lips I love you I love you promise me...

Her voice whispers I promise I love you you know that I love you
so much why is this happening to us it's so unfair why us why us
 and I can't answer her there is no answer why is there life why is
 there death why is there war and violence and suffering and
everything do you still believe in fate we were meant to be together...

I love you... and she cries against me some more holding my hand,
 never letting go, don't let go ever, please...

I feel faint now...  It doesn't hurt.. not really...  I can scarcely breath...
  But it's pleasant...  Lying here, with her, she's asleep now,
against me...  I can still see us now, together, like we've always
 been...  And I think I'll always see her smiling, loving me like this,
 even when I'm gone...  Because this is love, and you never really
 fully understand love until you've lost it, or are about to, and what
 good would it do to learn, then die, nothing gained except for a
split second separating life and death...?

I touch her face, brushing my lips across hers, smiling...  And my
 split second is gone...
