"The Sailor Senshi"
By: Jackie Chiang

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Here's a short thing I started at about 3 AM, worked on for about ten minutes,
 then finished three weeks later in another ten minutes at 4 AM.  Um, this
 is R or something like that.  Yeah.  It's weird too.  And all rights are reserved
 by Takeuchi Naoko and Toei and blah blah and everyone else, you know the
 drill.  This was completed July 1998.

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Question of the Day:

Naru?  Sailor Senshi?  Hah.  I don't think so.

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God was fooling around in his laboratory trying to make something decent.
  His other failures lay in the trash can behind him.  Finally, He picked up
 some of this, added some of that, mixed it around a lot, imagined long
 legged, large eyed, gorgeous women in short skirts running around, and bam,
 He created the Sailor Senshi.

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Sailormoon:

Hi, I'm 16-year-old Tsukino Usagi attending Juuban High School.  I have a lot
 of friends, a lot, 'cause I'm nice and sweet and innocent and friendly, and
 I'll have a whole lot more than you'll ever have, so hah hah hah, I'm more
 popular than yooouuu, I'm more popular than yoooouu.

---

Sailormercury:

Hello, I'm Mizuno Ami, 16 years of age attending Juuban High School.  I enjoy
 reading and eating sandwiches at the same time, and my favorite color is
 pencil yellow since it reminds me of pencils.  I don't have quite as many
 friends as Usagi-chan...  But my best friend is my computer, so I'm better
 off than she is.

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Sailormars:

Hey, my name is Hino Rei.  I'm 16 and I go to TA Private Girls' School.  I
 rule.  You know why?  Because I'm a queen there.  Hah.  Who needs friends
 when you have mountains of admirers and girls willing to do you're bidding?
  PLUS, I'm a Shinto priestess too, so I can whip your booty with my weird-ass
 powers.  Don't mess with da bitch.

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Sailorjupiter:

I'll kick your fucking ass!

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Sailorvenus:

That was Kino Makoto, by the way.  I'm Aino Minako.  I'm 16, I'm happy,
 I'm healthy, and I'm normal.  Normal.  Yes, normal.  Really.  I am.  Normal.
  You got that?  Normal.  I'm NORMAL.  N-O-R-M-A-L.  What?  What!?  
WHAT?!  STOP LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT!  STOP!  I'M NOT CRAZY!  
I'M NOT!  AAAAH!

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Sailorpluto:

I'm Meioh Setsuna.  Or at least, I am now.  I haven't quite figured out my 
life yet.  See, I was around during the Silver Millennium protecting the Moon
 Kingdom, but at the same time, I was the guardian of time, but then I died
 and I ended up someplace, so then I was guardian of time some more for 
a few million years, and then I met Small Lady and the Neo-Queen, and then
 I died again, and then I was reincarnated as Meioh Setsuna, with no idea
 what the fuck I'm doing, and I suppose I'll die again sometime soon and 
will be reborn as a snail.

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Sailoruranus:

I'm Tenoh Haruka.  I'm tall, fast, rich, gorgeous, beautiful, sexy and hot, well
 built with great legs- wonderful, magnificent, supreme, godlike, the all powerful
 Wonder of the World, I should be worshipped, build me a temple to honor the
 divine splendor that is me.  And if you have a problem with that, I'll beat you
 into a bloody pulp and feed you to my pit bull.

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Sailorneptune:

<Sigh> Isn't Haruka absolutely perfect?

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Sailorsaturn:

That was Kaioh Michiru, my mama.  To tell you the truth, I think they're
 all a bunch of loonies.  I'm the only sane one of the bunch.  I mean, all
I want to do is destroy the world.  That's all.  One small little thing.  I
 think that's a reasonable request, don't you?  Don't you?  I'll tear your
 guts out if you don't answer me!  Answer!  Answer me!

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Sailorchibimoon

Lalala, I'm so cute, I'm so cute, look at me, I'm so cute, sugary cute,
 sugary sweet, I give you cavities!  Hee hee, I'm so cute, I'm so cute,
 Pink Sugar Heart Attack!  I'm so cute, I'm so cute, I'll shove this rod
 up your ass if you don't give me some candy, I'm so cute, I'm so cute,
 lalala.

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And so, the guardians of the galaxy, the saviors of the planet, the warriors
 of love and justice and the Japanese way were created.

